I heard from a client yesterday who wants to return for more work with me and the herd—this time, she’s bringing her friends. I feel honored that she trusts me enough to share this work with the people closest to her.
She shared how the constellation she experienced at a recent public Horse Constellation event softened her attitude toward her mother. Since then, she’s noticed her mother making real efforts to heal—this is a woman who had been wheelchair-bound for nearly two years.
“She’s going to the gym and she’s swimming!” she said proudly.
“That’s great!” I replied.
“Yeah, you said some things to me in my Constellation that shook me to my core… pissed me off even!”
I laughed. “What did I say?”
“You said, ‘You see your mother as weak, don’t you?’”
“Oh yeah, I remember saying that.”
I had reflected her attitude toward her mother, which—through the lens of a constellation—was glaringly obvious.
I said it because:
A) it was true, and
B) it wasn’t serving her—or her family system.
This is a subtle example of a child behaving as if they are “bigger” than the parent. One of the central principles in Hellinger’s Family Constellation therapy is the Order of Love—which refers to our rightful position in the family system.
When we take our rightful place—as the child—we can receive our life.
This means receiving all the energy, life force, and support held behind us by our ancestors, who were instrumental in bringing us into existence. Imagine the power in that!
But when we behave as if we are bigger—through our judgments, superiority, or beliefs about who they are—we are out of order. In doing so, we block ourselves from receiving the love that is our birthright.
So yes, when we were told “honour your ancestors,” it’s not about keeping us small, silent, and controlled—it’s so we can fully integrate the life force that flowed through them in order to give us our life.
If this had been explained to me when I was younger, my life would have been completely different. I certainly wouldn’t have spent the first half of my life blaming my parents for all the things they didn’t do for me—and how they were the reason my life was shit.
I felt justified because I was neglected. This became embedded into my personality and character. I was living life with a deficit.
It wasn’t until I turned forty and discovered Family Constellations that I could begin to see my parents as the ones who gifted me—despite the neglect.
What changed is that I went from being deficient to becoming resourced—and consequently, this shifted the trajectory of my life’s path.
That’s why I feel so passionate about this work.
I teach an 8-month online Foundations of Family Constellations course, where we meet biweekly to dive deep into the principles and practices of this transformative work. The course includes a comprehensive eBook that supports everything we explore together—and more.
The next course begins August 30, 2025. Early bird enrollment is open now through July 12.
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