This piece is for anyone who’s ever felt like the outsider in their family—and is ready to explore what true healing might actually require.
If you’re nodding your head, you’re not alone. And maybe this quote has come across your feed, purported by black sheep representatives to be a direct quote from Bert Hellinger. It goes something like this:
“The so-called black sheep of the family are, in fact, hunters born of paths of liberation into the family tree. The members of a tree who do not conform to the norms or traditions of the family system, those who, since childhood, have constantly sought to revolutionize beliefs, going against the paths marked by family traditions, those criticized, judged, and even rejected, are usually the ones who bring light to the ancestors…”
If you are well-versed in Hellinger’s work, you know he would never say anything like this—it goes against the foundations of his teaching. What Hellinger rightfully said is:
“Those who exclude become like the excluded,”
and
“The movement is always toward belonging, not away from it.”
Yet this quote is incredibly seductive and relatable. It elevates the black sheep’s purpose by presenting them as special—that through their identity as an outcast, they are forging a different path for others to follow.
But this stinks of self-bravado and false accolades.
And it is not the direction one would take if they truly wanted to heal their feelings of rejection—whether due to sexuality, politics, religion (or no religion), or simply looking different, whether prettier or less so.
If you get to the root of the black sheep archetype, what you’ll find is anger—and underneath that, the sadness of not being accepted.
Hellinger’s message is that healing often comes by giving up the need to be different.
He never glorified the outsider—he emphasized belonging.
He taught that healing happens through humility, not individuation.
The real purpose of the black sheep is to turn toward what they rejected—and in doing so, create a shift in the entire family system.
You are not here to bring light to your ancestors.
You are here to remember you are one of them.
In my work as a facilitator and teacher of Family Constellations, I’ve guided many people through this pattern—believing they were the special ones, carrying the medicine.
Often, it’s the child’s heartbreak that never got to grieve—so it clings to the black sheep identity.
I’ve seen people resist, soften, and then cry as they finally take their rightful place as the son or daughter of their parents.
This is what Family Constellation work is about—
It’s rooted in belonging.
If you’ve resonated with the black sheep story, I see you.
I’ve been there too.
I left my family, friends, culture, and country when I emigrated to the U.S.
At the time, it felt like freedom.
But holding that black sheep identity didn’t bring healing.
If anything, it reinforced my sense of being an outcast.
I kept recreating the same dynamics in new places:
feeling misunderstood, carrying too much, standing apart.
It wasn’t until I came across Hellinger’s work that something clicked.
I wasn’t special.
My outsider role wasn’t affirmed.
Yet I was offered a way back—not to conformity, but to right relationship.
I didn’t have to keep being the one who left.
I could begin to return.
So I invite you to feel into something deeper:
What if you don’t need to be the light bringer?
What if your ancestors already carried light—and you’re simply part of that lineage?
The path of healing doesn’t require being different.
It asks that we take our place.
And from there—real power flows.
If this resonates...
I teach an 8-month online course called Foundations of Family Constellation. It’s for those ready to work with these dynamics—not just conceptually, but in the body, in the field, and in real life. We go deep, we stay honest, and we stay connected to the roots of this work.
You can learn more about the course here